I don’t know any parent who hasn’t had the “Why won’t they just listen to me?!” moment. Often it comes at the worst possible time, like on the way out of the house, or in line at the grocery. When it happens to me, I usually feel frustrated, discouraged, weak, and hopeless. If other people are around, add to that list embarrassed and incompetent.
Most of the time, I’m on top of my game and can let the challenge roll right off my back, remembering that this is all a perfectly normal and expected (but certainly not fun!) part of parenting.
When I manage to get myself into a genuine power struggle, it’s usually for one of three reasons:
- My child is feeling powerless and trying to regain control of themselves by insisting they do (or don’t do) whatever you are asking of them.
Helpful turnarounds for this situation include “Ask don’t tell” – elicit their help rather than commanding it; offering (limited) choices – all of the options you give have to be genuinely okay with you; and listening to their perspective – sometimes the opportunity to share their feelings about what’s happening is all that’s needed to gain cooperation. - They want my attention. If I’ve been rushing around all morning getting ready to go and haven’t had a chance to connect, my request to put on their shoes might be the first interaction we’ve had. They’re going to want to keep it going, and the only way they know how to do that is to disagree so you keep talking to them. If they quietly oblige, that’s the end of the conversation.
The turnaround for this dilemma is “Give it to them” (attention) – in a positive way. Acknowledge their perspective, turn on the charm, gush over each tiny step toward the goal. Make it more valuable to go along with you, and calmly ignore their outbursts.
This tactic works best when you’ve given yourself a cushion of time for the inevitable delays that kids require. Always assume that on the way out the door you will lose your keys, one of their shoes, and your patience, and that as soon as they are buckled into the car seat they will need to use the bathroom one more time. Plan your departure time accordingly. - They feel incompetent, incapable, or unsure of the task. If you’ve asked them to do something that they aren’t confident they can pull off, they may be using defiance as a distraction. The turnaround here is to assure them that you are positive that they can do it (even if they can’t do it yet) and that it’s totally okay to be a beginner. Some kids are more willing than others to risk public failure. If yours is less likely to attempt something new, try practicing at home to get the more comfortable with the idea.
Ultimately, what most of these solutions have in common is “connection before correction”. They’ve got to feel like you are on their side, you care, you are listening to them and honestly value their perspective.
When you know you have a solid strategy in place for meltdowns, it’s much easier to keep your composure when your child is flailing around on the floor at preschool orientation or poking their younger sibling incessantly at dinner time.